More on Mary

I have heard it said that our children are a blessing to us. It is an not uncommon sentiment I had never taken literally, but my daughter Mary has given me a literal example many times over. The verychild I gave birth to and actually devoted my being to ends up goving ME sage advice quite often.

Here is a tiny little example:

Last night I was preoccupied/worried about the looming threat of snow as I fiddled with my hair in the mirror. I said I cannot make up my mind. I was thinking about what exactly I ought to plan to do about my minivan which could NOT stay parked on the street, but thinking this was a personal matter I quickly switched my comment's aim to my hair. I really did worry about letting my bangs grow out and now would be a time that I would cut them, and then lament having done so.
So, Mary said, "well, it seems to me like someone (meaning me)needs to go directly to bed. I really mean it, mom. Leave your hair alone and you will not need to wake up regretting you cut your hair. You would probably just pull it back anyhow to look like you didn't cut your bangs."
Then, I truly slept better and longer than I ever have and woke up glad I did not cut my hair.

Thoughts on Mary

Mary Anne is a very special child. Foremost is a child and like most her age she hatesto brush her hair and teeth, promises to keep her room clean everytime I clean it. This time she really will! She also procrastinates homework and after drilling it she always "forgets" to turn it in. Sometime there will be a consequence she cannot talkher way out of, until then.... She will play her sweet innocent girl card or something. She reacts well to prizes and loves toys and candy (maybe a bit more than is typical). But, what my mind dwells on right now is her strongest talent. She loves entirely!

As I thought about this natural inclination as most who know her at all have commented about her. I thought about her teacher at church in nursery. She is sooo incredibly sweet and kind. One time it was late at night and she had to work, but after work she stopped by to give Mary a gift! It was soooo thoughtful znd kind.

I learned something important. At training for my part-time work in head start we are often reminded the significance of a good start. This is accomplished by giving each child the love and attention as well as a quality education and nourishment they need. I see how it worked with Mary. It eas a natural trait as is true for all mankind. But, it was encouraged and magnified by her environment and teachers. She was and is a sponge just soaking up anything she is taught and so care must be given to present her with true and loving principles so that her person can magnify and be an example to help all others!

I recall a thing once said about the elasticity of the brain and it rang true by the statistics taught recently in a training session. Most of what a person learns they learn before the age of 8. From aboout 8 to 80 very little is taught. Hence they claim not tobe able to teach an old dog new tricks, or that is a child is trained a particular way they will return to it.

I believe The loving nature exhibited by Mary is directly resulted from such a trait being cultivated and encouraged at a young/formative age.

2stories come to mind.

1 was the first time we went to the Bountiful food pantry. She was sitting in the cart as I pushed it. And she said, " Mom, I really like the way you are so nice to all of my friends." Confused I asked who her friends were. She said allthe workers and soon they would be my friends, too. Then, a kind lady came and gave me something and as she left Mary said, " See? It pays to make friend with everyone." Also, another time we were sitting outside waiting in the cold and she saw a lady sitting on the steps doing paperwork. I put Mary down and instantly she ran to the lady, gave her ahug andsaid, "Please, do not be sad there are so many beautiful things around us." Then she came back and reported to methat I did not need to take care of that woman cause she already did. Plus, she wasn't actually sad or lonely she was just sitting by herself for a few moments to do paperwork.

Then, although many story need to be shared I am only going to tell this one. It was time for Mary to start Kindergarten and both she and her brother asked for priesthood blessings. So, we went to their grandfather's house. And it was noticable as the blessings were given that there was something notable about her grandfather's countenance as he prepared to bestow her blessing. I never asked about it, but it made a lasting impression on me. What? What was it about.He always seemed to dote more on Joseph. But, it was undeniable that Heavenly Father was pleased with Mary's desires, and she has always been  extremely blessed in her studies and friend making persuits.

Water shooting flip flop

Today we went to the Kaysville splashpad. At one point I was demonstrating how by covering holes others had an increase of pressure, but when I tried to step back,a suction was created that tugged on my shoe and pulled the plastic foot holder thingy off and the water shot up through the hole. The kids thought it was great!!! "Do it again!" They shouted. But, it had been an accident one not likely to be replicated, but at bedtime Mary asked,  "how did you make the water shoot thtough your shoe?" It made an indellible impression.

Prayer

Most of the time, my answers come waay,before I need them, so a little pondering what I know and "Voila" there it is, but this is my sincere desire:

I know that as we teach children they get very important insights from reading the scriptures, and they might not read their scriptures outside of class, but I want to actually intrduce and study the stories in the scriptures and so I am torn between teaching stories or teaching the scriptures...they are scripture stories, but I want the story imbedded in their heart and mind, but I also want to study the scriptures and get that benefit of coming to recognize their father in Heaven. Please, my wish is to know what to do, all I think is read the scriptures and then translate, but I fear that moght take away from what the spirit is already teaching them. One day, for example, I asked the lids to tell me what they learned in order to leave the classroom. And the things they shared were not at all what I intended to teach, somethings totally surprised me like that children in Israel sometimes got to sleep on the roof. Huh? It was a lesson about Christmas.

I see how many truths in a lesson that one might find useful to have been mindful of, but if I lightly mention it....OH! It is about having faith and trusting that they will be taught wgat they need regardless if they understand the story I want to teach. Ok, ok. Got it.

As a result of "Love Kennedy"

The more I see and feel together the more skeptical my thoughts get. Meaning the division is greater and greater, but, they are united in one thing: my children.

I gave each child a 20 sec. Plus hug last night and while doing so I prayed and hid what I truly felt with a placid intellect. When I retired to my own bed I was so sadden by the reality that neither child was actually mine. If anyone wonders what love is, that "anyone" is not me. I do not love my spouse, though I have tried and prayed almost constantly for years. I am mortally dependant on him, but could change that although he seeks to thwart me. I explained it to Joseph as being trapped, but realizing it is only a pumkin shell.

I truly love Joseph and Mary, and in the film Love, Kennedy peace was found in moments where a greater plan was realized, though admittedly such realizations often caused considerable pain they also brought peace. At one point "Kennedy" says, "If the Family always chooses the right, we will be together." That is why families are sealed and basically why we have temples altogether.

In my master plan to unite my heart and my mind, I must include sealing those children to me. I love them, no, it is not the pitocin talking. I know them and love what I learn.

Nature vs Nurture

It just occurred to me that I have the ultimate opportunity to see how much of inheritance is taught.

My daughter Mary Anne drives me insane with her terrible behavior, but I am able to salvage so much, which I attribute to her wonderful education and combined efforts at home and church. Then, I thought of her sister Brooksie and how I thought she would be back to Utah and nearby because she also exhibits many of the traits I value in Mary. She has my genes but not my care, so I will be so interested in how she explains things of life to me, minus the accent and different word choices.

What is the solution?

I love my children so much that I am in tears. I adore and miss Lena the most beause she was my first and I honestly believed in a life so different from this, but what is my solution? Is it true that she is in a better place? I recall how I felt when I was her age (It is actually hard to remember that I am not her age anymore) My ties to my parents felt like a security net, but not a real active part of my trial (tight rope walk). I saw "Antwone Fisher" and thought at the time undeniably that family is who we choose not who we were born with. But, after reflecting, I wonder if I chose this life at all anyway. It really doesn't not seem at all in line with the way I think or who I am.

That is what is really on my mind... what the heck is wrong with me? When I could not think for myself I had to surrender my will to something else, and that led to achieving what seemed impossible, walking again, marrying again, and having children. I, the person I was at 17, would never have ever married Nicholas, and admittedly that bothers me, but doesn't my eternal happiness hinge on changing something? Well, why not myself. Maybe I should become a person who actually loves Nicholas. I do love Joseph and Mary to the point where I feel I owe it to them to try to fall in love and be sealed so that we can achieve all the blessings of a family. He needs to change, too, but what little bit I could understand at the time I came to Utah was that he had the potential to be a help-meet in everyway, unfortunately, I did not marry that potentially ideal man, I married him and if I truly have faith, I will believe that he truly wants to becone what he claimed to whenever asked. Just maybe, he really does love me, too, or at least could. Forever seems undesirable if he doesn't. But, Heavenly Father helped me out of a situation I would have never left, because it was what I wanted...yeah. see what that had the potential of becoming vs. what it became? No wonder I am scared.

Then there is the whole Jim vs. Byran thing. I loved Jim, but Bryan was clearly the better choice, and more suited to me. Blah, blah, blah.. I chose this ramble to go here, because it is all about the children. They are what I love and want to hold on to, and Joseph and Mary are still not even sealed to me. I probably owe it to them to try to love their dad and be a happy family. My sister even said that she thought Nick really loved me. He annoys me (understatement), but it is in attempts to help actually. I need to learn to accept him as the patriarch of this family and let him take charge. It is just hard especially when I see that he is doing it wrong, but many times I just shut up and let him and although it is not done "right" things get done. Perhaps, I need to change what I think is right.

The whole thing reminds me of a video of kids commenting on adults and one thing they cannot "get" is why everything needs to be done so fast and perfectly. It is a hard lesson I am being taught. That lesson is to let others help. I am used to living by the adage that if you want a thing done right, do it yourself. In piano lessons, I did not like a fingering, so thinking I knew best I explained that music was an aural (auditory) thing and she ought to jyst listen tp the different fingerings and decide which sounded best. She explained that though I was correct I was missing the point. I needed to use the suggested fingering to build a habit that would improve my long-term technique translating into better sounding pieces as difficulty increased.

This is all about the same thing. That I do love my children, and sometimes thecway to express thay seems counter intuitive (like the time I climbed under the bed with Joseph, thereby pinning him in, to get him to come out).

Because I love all of my babies I want to go see th this summer. That is my number one priority. Perhaps, moving closer is best, too.  I had assumed that they would move out here eventually, but by the time I was Lena's age, I was graduated already, so there isn't much hope in them moving or visiting. Plus, I need to hold on whatever it takes, cause my youngest children deserve it and my full attention, figuring out my life will come after theirs is secured.