Potty training

There was a brilliant moment this evening where Joseph (taking a,bath) announced that he felt his pee coming and jumped out of the bath to use the toilet.

To me that is the key. Otherwise, potty training is like trying to teach others how to receive revelation. You will feel it, but feel what? I was so glad that Joseph knew!

A bit of advice

I doubt it will ever be asked so I will be proactive. Here it is for whenever you wonder: Do not ask what could happen. Thinking that you are above hardship or mishap. I thought it was a done deal being sealed properly in the temple and even discussed as much with Brandall. Maybe that was the trouble I let the idea even get it's foot in the door and get comfortable. Years later, it still hurts to have my dreams crushed.

Sarah Lena

She has taught me so many incredible things.

Yesterday, someone said this, "I wonder who learns more in the relationship, parents or children." How profound!

Anyway, I was reminded of this lesson because Joseph was watching Mickey Mouse and he was calling everyone friends, Joseph is developing his vocabulary and he has assigned the word friend to mean people in general. Which is somewhat true, and it is so cute to hear him refer to others as his friends. This reminded me of Lena who had a,best friend who had cousins their own age, too. So she referred to any playmate as a cousin. One day, at the park, she was playing with some other small children who were black and she brought them to me and introduced them as her cousins. I had visions of a "Desiree's Baby" scenario, and then explained what a cousin is. She said, "they are my cousins."

This morning It reminded me of the teachings of Jesus and how he asked very wise,men who their neighbor really was. I was caught up in teaching a vocabulary lesson while her lesson was much more profound, they were her cousins.

Mary's Banana

I just had a great lesson about Tithing. Like most of the lessons I pass on, they come by originally just doing my duties.

I was peeling a banana for Mary so that she could be like the neverland pirates and have a delicious snack. But, as I peeled it I took off a portion for myself. Initially, she was upset, but really it was not much and that way we could both enjoy it. She still had a huge portion most of which she would not eat anyway.

I learned a bit more about tithing through that act. Likewise God has abundance and gives things to us so that we can feel better, and then he just asks, not forces us to share a tiny portion with him, keeping the most for ourselves anyway.

From Mother with Love

Above all else I wish to exude seriousness. I tend to be silly or over the top, but I am completely sincere and frank now only I am still me.

If nothing else I say or do effects your perceptions, let this be the thing that you listen to and obey. I may have failed you in providing a proper example of family life and it is understandable if you disregard my words because of my actions, but I KNOW this one thing is significant: who we marry and where is utmost important to our eternal life. You will live forever, you may doubt many things that could bring me such grief and sorrow, but nothing will compare to the sorrow you will feel if you are unequally yoked.

My parents just happened upon happiness, but for you it is a choice. If anyone asks you why you have to get married in the temple when clearly it does not necessarily mean it will be eternal. Just look at the damage my example has caused you all. We had to spend years apart because I tried to build upon a shoddy foundation. Think of more than the immediate. Think of your life forever and what you want and need. It will be clear.
I assume that you want to have a strong eternal family, it really really does matter who you start it with.

I cannot even begin to number the times I wasted wondering how I could make a family work, and at times I believed it would work merely because of my will, but I have been nothing but frustrated over and over realizing that in this instance, my smarty pants solution was not do smart. Had wisdom been my source, I would have heeded the prophet's counsel to be with the right person, at the right time, in the right place. I was so arrogant to think I knew better and that anyone would do as long as they were a good Mormon like me, but that is not enough.

Your purpose is to find happiness, it was why this whole world was created afterall. You are on a path, merely the begining, that will bring you the greatest possible happiness if you Marry well. So, Marry well. That is all.

Joseph - serious

I think there is something that distinguishes from other boys his age. I suspect something is not right, as I always have. Nick just brushes off his wild behavior as "You know how toddlers are." but, I do not think toddlers are all like him, or no one would ever have children. I endure it like all things and treasure the other times so much more. He has many qualities that make him a pure delight, but then there are partys of him that are sheer devilish. And whatever it is it effects his 2-yr old sister far worse. All along I have thought that this really is just the throes of parenthood, but none of my other children had such behavior and when we interact with other kids it always ends with him beating them up. I can tell by bewildered eyes that this is not typical behavior, and I have seen other children his age and they are not that way, so he has a behavior problem, doesn't that result from parenting? and is corrected by drugs. I, just as much as the most argumentative other would say, that is just how kids are stop expecting them to be adults, but I do not, they are adults in embryo, but right now the way it looks, they will be dangerous adults and no amount of good parenting is going top change that. This causes trouble for what I believe. I believe that I was given these specific children for a reason, and I am able to endure things that other mothers never would. I get hit, spit on, kicked, bit, jumped on etc. some of it is normal. But, I am handicapped, and though most do not notice it because I pretend so well, the point is I cannot do thing that everyone else can and I used to be able to do I even loved, like walk with good balance, and years later, with so much therapy, I still cannot, and the kids know and exploit my inabilities. Several times. others looking on, helped and it was so appreciated, but in my own home it is dismissed as you are not really disabled and they are just toddlers. I honestly do not know if I can bear it. I suppose that is the way life was intended and so I continue, but I want to note for future that I do not think this is how things are supposed to be.

Why fer?

It is difficult to say things plainly and nonchalantly when they are said in a public forum, and that is why I may sound a bit cryptic sometimes, all you need to know is that I love you dearly and always want what is,best for you. In a tv show a woman lied and her son could not believe it. She had done so under oath and then asked her son to do likewise. Her reason was family, her step son was in prison and required a false testimony to be free. Her husband had recently been killed and her son had moved out and she felt like she was loosing her family and was thus motivated. I have felt before as she portrayed, but I perhaps have been seen as not being as loyal to my family as I was to honesty, because it is hard but, when faced with a choice of obedience to a law that potentially harms my family, assuming that Law comes from God I will always pick it, though honorable mention goes to the family.

I am excitedly awaiting my call to the other children. I do trust that God will protect you 100% and all will be just if I know what it is I should do. I am so close to it. I want it and already that would be enough in some situations, but I have not yet reached the point where I act in any situation.

On a lighter note

Joseph is going on and on about Sandy Cross. I was telling him that the Blue line goes to the temple when he told me that,he knew the Green line goes to the airfort. He corrected me and said no, it stops at Jesus church but it goes to Sandy Cross.

Storytelling revisited

I have been thinking a lot more lately how important storytelling is to society. If I had the time to devote I would write a paragraph on each: Bedtime Stories, Scripture stories, campfire stories, parables, anecdotes, jokes, Aural histories, etc. but most fascinating to me was the thing my aunt, who is my mother's (your grandmother) sister, said today.

She talked about how she listens to music though she is deaf. I was just talking about the detriments of holding on to the past, but in this very case I discovered that our memories are very useful and intended. I want you to know the sort of people who proceeded you in this life and probably are awaiting you in the next, like my grandparents are for me, and being as I do not have as many opportunities to share such tales with you in a more "organic" situation. I hope that you will read her own words and think whatever your little mind generates.

I do not listen to music the same way as when I was younger as most of you know. I know all the songs before 1980 and how they sound so when I read the lyrics of an old song, I can hear it in my head just like it used to be. Or if I go to a live band that plays them, I can feel it and remember it and it is just like it used to be. The newer songs, I watch the video on tv with the words captioned and by looking at the singer and how they are singing it, I have pretty good idea what it sounds like. I will sometimes turn on the GAC station and watch them.....one of my favorites right now is "You can crash my party anytime" Well any ways that is how I have music in my life.

Sunday movies

I found many videos from the scriptures at scripturestories.lds.org so I am hoping the kids will gradually learn these stories by seeing them everyday. I suspect that is the way I learned so many truths and stories but do not recall exactly where I learned such things.

Mary Anne's Song

I wrote a lulaby for Mary ans she liked it so much she started signing it to herself. I am sure she reverted to Jake and the neverland pirates and me, though. But, I recorded it.

Another Lesson from naptime

Whenever we go anywhere Mary Anne tells me, like around the house, when it is time for her nap. Today was no different. And it was awesome as She came up begging I just assumed that it would be impatience expressed about lunch which was almost done, but she went to the fridge and got a drink and said " night night, mommy."

The lesson came as I was carrying her up to her bed she just went limp and I almost started crying. It was beautiful to me that she had that much trust in me. My balance is poor and just the other day as I was taking her to bed I hit her head on a wall, on accident, but I felt terrible and cursed my instabilities. But, this afternoon I felt so much better knowing that she was that calm. My lesson came from that little voice that said, "Now that is trust."

Now, why can't I be that at peace?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FASG0h6-5XQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Being Beautiful

This could be about any child as we well know each of our children are beautiful to various degrees, but this morning I wish to share a thought about princess Brooksie.

In short, I was upset that she does not recognize how beautiful she is and it has something to do with her peers having some standard which she likely exceeds anyway, but her beauty is not always manifest in the exact ways specified by pop culture, which are fleeting anyway. While, she remains above and beyond everyone else. I suspect those who see it might even be jealous, because above all else Brooksie is beauty personified!

People who have met my children have been amazed at all of them, but have commented specifically on how Brooksie has a certain.something about her. It is a divinely regal air. She will no doubt be worthy of a king. She can only get more and more beautiful as she matures, though it is not recognized by her yet, she is seeking worldly confirmation, which she will have, but by any real and lasting standards she is beyond any worldly description. The word light comes to mind. I love her so much!

Clarified

Well, you may have been made aware of a label of Classified, but this post is marked as clarified.

It might seem heartless, unmotherly, and incongruous with my previous assertions to have let my children leave without doing something more! And honestly, I agree it might appear that way, but my action is actually the product of months of careful pondering, and ultimately, I had to do something I did not agree with, but I heard a little story that put it well, and I wanted to do the same, so if my children ever wondered or found themselves in a similar situation they might have an example to look to.

When we truly begin to develop our own faith. We find a huge change or perception in the value of a thing. I want ultimately what is best for my children, and so I need to focus on what God asks not what the world teaches is the correct thing to do.

There is a beautiful scripture found in Joshua where he speaks these words:

Joshua 24:15

15 And if it seem evil unto you to serve the Lord, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.


I grew up singing that a song with such lyrics "Choose you this day whom ye will serve, but as for me and my house, we will serve the lord." by Janice Kapp-Perry. It was the song associated with Choice and accountability.

Choosing the Lord seems easy enough on paper, but it is not, or is it? If we chose the Lord that means that we believe him and that if we really believe that he has the power to do what he claims, which I personally, have no reason to suspect otherwise, then we must believe that if we are obedient that it will be the wisest and best possible out come for our children.

I struggle with this because I do not see even possibly how allowing my family to be raised without me is better than being with me, but it is really a matter of faith to obey even if we cannot make sense of things. A lady in a book said that she struggled with low energy and needed to rely on the Lord for help. but by doing such she was prompted it was not what she would have considered the best use of her limited amount of energy. In fact, she was dismissing chores that seemed so important and her house appeared in disarray, and she was instead doing things that she really would have rather not done, but she said that she Always had the energy that she needed to do the things that she felt prompted to do.

So, those who might be unfamiliar or fuzzy on the notion of being "prompted" to do a thing. Just think of Prayer, you understand that concept right? Well, there is no person present like you mother or other person that you communicate with face to face, but you still freely speak to the air fully believing that you are heard. It is the same with learning to recognize answers, usually no one speaks to you and tells you exactly what to do, thought at times I would rather have drill Sergent say, "Do this!" because, it is easy to do something when another tells you because they become responsible. So, not only must I believe that it is better for my children, but I must believe that I even was told that. It requires a lot of faith.

Conductor

Though, I really hadn't recognized it before both Joseph and I are passionate about the same thing. We both want to be conductors.
Only he wants to direct trains and I want to direct music.

If we survive this!

Mary is driving me crazy with her attempts to be good. She tried to share her candy again with the fish! And she tries to make me eat food that she has chewed up when I refuse she says "Try it. You're gonna' like it!" Thanks Yo Gabba, gabba! yesterday a old man on the train said, "Oh they are so cute at this age, but just wait. They turn into monsters, but if you survive it, you find it was just a phase." And the dentist said that my kids were adorable, Yeah, sometimes. If I make it through the two's alive I will be happy. Mary is the most impossible child, she does things that make Lena and Brooksie look like Angels in comparison. But, she really means well, she is trying to do good, but it is her attempting things that she cannot do that causes so much trouble. I am not certain that she actually means well, or I just rationalize her antics as "sweet" cause she is an innocent kid, right, and all of her doings are my responsibility right now. I just needed to record that. She is feeding me chewed up pizza right now, for breakfast. I gave her fruitloops. guess I deserved it. She gave her treat of smarties to the fish and then when the fish obviously didn't want them, she tried to scoop them out and cried when I told her that the fish will not want to play with her any more. Lucky he still lives. I wonder how much of this that little buddy can endure. Yesterday she trie to clean the tank, and the day before she tried to feed it eye shadow.

Many choices

Of all of the voices I could have chosen to obey, I am glad that I heeded the one that whispered, "those kids,need you!" Most other choices were louder and more sensible. I even reasonably asked back, instead of obeying, "which kids?"

All I can say is that regardless of how good Brandall is, when important choices must be made, really important ones, he tends toward selfishness, and his choices in turn were a blessing and reminder to me. You are free of that, run! I ought not have his influence in my life until I am sufficiently strong enough not to follow his example and choose the wrong things. I can freely say that he has had choices every step of the way, and maybe he just needs some more parenting, because he could have been so happy and different, but taking the kids away from a loving mother twice has no excuse, twice, but I suppose I WAS under the delusion that he had changed and his actions create another plot entirely.

     What I really intended, that Brandall junk was a diversion, was to show my gratitude for the things I learn by being here and trying to help my wee ones have a happy and complete, dare I hope for perfection?, life.

     There have been millions of thoughts that came to me because I thought to wonder about how to be a better mother. Truely, serving others is the way to happiness and though other choices might offer an immediate happiness, those choices would be self serving and would eventually make,me less full. It is the ideas and knowledge that come from doing what is BEST that will stay with me and lead to eventual real happiness.

     Thank you Joseph and Mary Anne, you have allowed,me to live the life I was intended to live, though at times painful, and far less glamorous, never the less it is right, and I am so glad and I will be a better person because of you.

The nightly wisdom of a three year old

Joseph is very mad at me, he told me that he was going to kill his daddy. I got mad back and told him firmly that we do not kill anyone, but I said that about bugs and let Nick kill one. So, he reasonably doesn't believe me.

I told him that I was sorry that I got mad, and gave him a hug and told him that mommy loves everybody. He hugged me but then said, no you can't. You can't love bad guys because they have guns and will kill you, but first they will kill Mary and then me, and ydcou will be mad.

I am familiar with a similar situation and had a deeper respect for loving forgiveness.

I told him that I loved him so much that I would not let any bad guys kill him. It was my job to keep him safe, and if they got me, I couldn't do much, but, I would do whatever I could, and if it was the last thing I did at least he would remember that I did love everyone, even the bad guys. But, most of all I loved him.

He was getting very violent and mean, I tried everything and anything to try to change his disposition, but he started hitting Mary Anne, too. And I told him that we did not allow that. Or, at least I didn't and it really didn't look like there was use for me here, anyway so I said that I was going away, and I hugged them both and said I loved them and actually that calmed him down. It wasn't any trick, I was serious, he Hugged me and pulled as hard as he could on my sweater begging, "Please, do not Leave me, mommy." Ofcourse, I couldn't then.

He taught me many lessons, but the best was that I did have an effect though much less influencial, no obviously influencial. But, I was leaving an impression and when he grew up and had to choose who to serve I will have planted enough seeds to grow a fine garden, though not obvious yet, my teachings were true and finding a place in his heart.

Joseph and Bugs

I jotted this down to not forget to record this and the significant parallel to Stargate Atlantis.
All that was written was don't forget - bugs - Joe and Stargate Atlantis.

It was so cute to see the compassion after being so terrified, Joseph, Not Joe Flanigan, came screaming out of breath to tell me that there were big bugs outside. When I asked him what I should do, he said that he loved them and we should make then happy so they don't suck our blood.

Here is a clip I love: http://youtu.be/31mQruHW8Bg

About you, Mary

I must resist the urge to spank you cause you have no idea of how annoying you are. You grossed us all out tonight by pooping in the tub, but then you gave me some hope. You watched carefully as I did the dishes and you really wanted to help.

I suspect that if I can make it through your terrible twos you will be a very sweet and helpful little girl. I think Joe is very sweet but you are 100 times sweeter, but he even gets so extremely angry with you. Anyway, I think.you genuinely want to help, so I will start giving you little chores right away.

What may be

I will not be playing the game of what MAY be, but I must admit something I have thought about you all.

You will grow up to incredible fates. It is probably your whole generation that shares the attributes that endear you so much to me. It is my love for you that makes,me realize what is possible and what I must have as must you. I just watched a talk on timing on a website that is highly popular right now, called YouTube. I realize that it has been my greatest errors, but one I hope to correct in having and meeting you before I found a love whereupon I,might build a strong enough foundation to support the trials of a family.

This thought  just occured to me, that if I was strong enough to keep things together for this long an equal mate will have almost unimaginable strength. Or, maybe I was too insane to even know what was going on.

It is the fact that I was not of sound mind that I both blame and excuse any mistaken genius of what I did. I only know that any love that I have for Nick should but doesn't far outweigh any I have for you. I have considered that I sort of bite the bullet, but not pull you into my misery and pretend for you that I am in love, but I cannot be sealed to him. Because, I could not honestly covenant before God nor expect it to be able to endure forever.

Love will be such that it will make everything seem possible, which it is and why we sing that God is love, and our natures are divine. Love sounds like Faith and there are alot of likenesses, both are active and seem like a dream to those who do not know it and only hope for it.

It is,my wish that you all find love and never let it go, but if love let's go on you, granted we must allow others their freedom but if they chose to leave just think better now than later. Somethings can be too late, learn that before the consequences ate too severe.

Kids are hard

I think of my sister in law who said after her first pregnancy that she was going to take some time to get her body back. It is a nice idea.

I struggled to raise,my first "batch"of kids, only to have them taken from,me, and I started again. This is the point of it all: we forget entirely what pain we endured and long to do it again.

My sister-in-law instantly had another child. I figured she would. In institute today we discussed faith of Sarah, how she had a child when she was 90. And so many sisters giggled it off saying 90 years old was different back then, but in the throes of childrearing I worried more for the next few years than the strain of giving birth.

I felt too old for child birth as now I see the sense of the court not granting me the children. It is hard work, that I just do not have the strength for, on my own. But, it will pass.

Mary Anne Holden

She is a water baby, for sure.

Time in and time out she overly impresses,me with her kindness and loving ways towards others. Often not founded and the exact opposite of behavior for a child.

Something Gavin did, again

I really ought to start a new blog specifically to put the things trying to care for Gavin taught me. It would be fascinating (entertaining), and enlightening.

Today, he put me over the edge with his shenanigans. But, I had some quiet time where I realized that I had my own answer made clear through him.

Here's what happened. He hurt Joe an was screaming at Lena for not letting him play with some pokemon cards she had out. Joe, upon recovering told me that Gavin was bad and that,he was going to kill him. When Gavin gets upset, he totally errupts.

Anyway, I have learned that it is best to be loving, if I gang up on him, too, which I do to try to get him to think about things by directing his attention, but then he just feels totally picked on and alone and he lashes out. So, I asked him to come sit by me and we would sort things out, but, he did nit come to me. I felt like the Savior who tells us that even after rejecting his arms are outstretched still. Well, I called to him again, but he refused.

Then Brookaie told me that even though he was acting like a jerk, he was actually moving, ever so slightly towards me, and my mind thought well, tough I am out of patience, I told him plainly what I wanted and he made his choice, though trying not to by appearing to reject while technically coming. I thought how the savior would,be so happy with the progress that it was. I was not about an hour later as he flirted with sitting next to me, he said, "well, I want to sit by you, but you will make me say sorry, and it is too hard." And that is exactly why I loved Nick. I was soooo impressed with the value that,he assigned to the word sorry that he would not just say it to make,life better.

I have grown weary about Nick, too. I was so caught up in how valiant he was to even feel unworthy that I didn't see what was really going on. I have no more patience. But, at a regional conference in WA, Thomas S. Monson told a story about a woman in a yellow dress who told a story about a man who seemed old and unloveable, but she prayed and asked to feel a portion of the love the Savior had for this man, and she said it was so overwhelming that she required rest afterwards. And from that I gather that God loves each of us, but my answer is that everyone has a certain place to belong. And we do not belong together. My fear is that there is no one I belong with, but saying that demonstrates a lack of confidence in God to oversee things. "Fear departs when faith endures!"

Mommy got it, finally

It was many thoughts coming together as one. My daughter, Mary Anne said," Trying. I can't do it." Without thinkinging I said yeah, if you are really trying and it doesn't work, probably you answer is that you shouldn't do it. Ah hah! I marvel at the wise things I tell others while I struggle to figure things out for myself. But, that came out if my mouth directly to me. Though, it was for Mary.

Also,  Brooksie said that she actually wanted me to go to Tennesse even though Dad didn't. But, Gavin told me to stay in Utah. Nick told his home teachers that we were moving. He did say that he was moving, but when his parents were here he said nothing of it, though they asked questions that could be considered,leading questions.

The biggest factor will be a prayer again though because our RS lesson it was very plainly told us that we are here for a specific reason, and I had a tiny miracle, though the coolest stories were told about how people with specific abilities were in place for a reason, and one guy lamented one thing the most in his life, that those who could have taught him the gospel years ago didn't. He was ready. Woah. So, the spirit will really tell us what we.ought to do and we must obey to serve others.

I loved this comment and.tried to make Lena memorize it, to place in her mind to answer if she ever wondered what to do. "Not shrinking is far more important that surviving."

Early morning musing

Mostly, I wanted to share my gratitude for the fulfillment of my greatest desires, when things were out of my control. This time, things are in my control and you, my precious children, are my top priority.
They say the greatest thing a man can do is lay down his life for a friend. Well, I feel that way about you. My life purpose was to help you live. I did that. Now, my purpose, and the reason why I was even allowed to continue living, was to help you, and I will not be selfish. Just because I feel like there is something more. For me, beyond you there is nothing.
I live for love and I love you. I give up my selfishness for you, that you might have everything you need.
What the heck am I talking about? Well, I was thinking about how terrible and bleak,my life seemed, but Gavin was born and survived and I was able to have more children and have you all together. This was the strongest desire of my heart!
It is in my power to keep you all together and love you as needed, My choice is clear. Any other choice would be selfish, but I give up my life to helping you. If God wants more he will require it of me, but my promise and accountability will be in what I have done to deserve you. My life is far from over, maybe the form of life is ending, but I will forever be your mother. As such, you may rely on me to do what is best for you rather than what is best for me.
Do the same thing. Usually, if you place your children first, it will automatically,be placing yourself first. That is why the most important thing of all is first marrying the right person. This will be the first step in creating your own eternal family. This will be the most significant choice of your life! There are not enough or the right kind of markings to accentuate that enough. Love your spouse entirely, more than you even can, and never fear, it will all work out if you love entirely.

Chasing Rainbows

got an idea, I want to make a going away party/present for the kids where there is a map with a rainbow and you have to follow to the end to find what is there.

The truth is that rainbows do not have an end, so chasing them would be fun but profitless, hold on. Literally, there is no pot of Gold, but I can make a pot of golden looking cookies, or the point could be that you find what you are looking for and thinking about what you find might be worth more than gold. On my map, I will make the rainbow end in TN. So, the kids would have to go there to find it. :)