I heard an ad, typical, huh? But, I wanted to record the thought it caused and the following occurrence.
Summed up I thought: it truly amazes me how little my husband knows of me and my children and seems not to care one bit. He likes to consider himself knowing and uneeding to inquire. I'm, just thought all men hate to ask directions. Anyhow, men derive worth by providing, so we all carefully ask for assistance and try not to correct him or tell him how unnecessary his contribution was when truly it is, I sincerely doubt he even is aware of what a single one of us wants or needs at any given time. Grumble, grumble... Followed by more thoughts comparing the way he ought to be relied upon to how we rely on Heavenly FATHER and how a large part of His worth comes from his supplying our needs, which requires omniscience.
Then, my daughter bounded in to ask me to look at her photo, which she took a long time doing. It is a photo of "Mew" arranged in a family. I looked questionly. Ummm - she interrupted to tell me that she has overlapping because she likes to touch me, and the diamonds show the sex of the creature. Finally, I got to ask, why are there only three in this family? It seemed wrong, but I listened instead of lectured. She explained that she didn't know how to make a dark, "Mew 2". Besides, dad is never here and even when he is here he is not paying attention to anything.
Well, he thinks himself above that and that in all actuality he does not need to and still knows and understands everything. But, this is wrong. I could probably never inquire about things, but it demonstrates that I care. Asking is as much for the person asked as for learning anything. I do not even care to know about Minecraft skills or Roblox kills but I ask and listen. Even if one wanted to know, they could find out such information. Knowing alone matters very little, asking does.
Also, we are asked to pray, but Nick treats you like an idiot for needing assistance to the point that I would not ask him even if I needed help.
I put such reverie in this journal for the kids because I am very seriously considering that I am only legally married to Nick, and I no longer desire my eternal companion but have not be released from that vow, and maybe I should. But, we are taught not to cancel a sealing until we are to get sealed to someone else.
I am a bit afraid, but I hate the whole pretense. It is merely for the children that I continue and hope. Cause if one has forever, perfection in any definition seems obtainable.
It is like accomplishing any great feat. It is done through little ones. Nick refuses to move into a new home when this one is miserable. Reminds me of the situation with his car. Or anything in our home. Until, it effects him, he does nothing. Apparently, he has a testimony, though, or else he would simply divorce me. We are not in love, I remember thinking maybe I would tell him that I love him on our honeymoon, but I have this terrible propensity for truth and I couldn't do it. But, upon considering it I start to think myself incapable of love, but I do feel a lot of love for my children. I would die for them, seriously. It feels like it right now when I had to get up from resting (after running and cleaning the fridge and oven) and come to the bathroom with Joseph, and ends up he did need more toilet paper so luckily I was there.
