Mary Anne

Her hair is the most unusual torment for a mother, It is a long, thin, mess of curls that stick to her cheeks and she screams like she is in pain when I squirt her head with detangler. Neither that or washing it (which she also hates) makes it any better. It has caused me so much grief.

I used to tell her messy hair was normal and ok. cause I thought it would be like Brooksie's. Difference is the length. I am starting to think (though I still am upset that it was done to me) that cutting it will be the only solution. I have started feeling envy when I see other littl girl's hair pulled neatly into a ponytail or something. Yesterday, she ripped out every item (called pretties) that I put in her hair. It must have hurt because she also renoved big chunks of hair. Last week, she had perfectly crusted curls. Somehow her dumdum crusted her hair in place perfectly but was nearly impossible to get out. But, I did it, after church.

I seriously see no other way. Even Brandall complains about his lack of success with Brooksie's mane, I also recall my mom trying everything,in the hospital to get the snarls out of my hair, I am so sorry kids, I guess it is just our lot in life to have "boy hair". ha ha ha one time Lena cut her own hair and then cried and refused to beseen cause she said that she looked like a boy. But her grandmother told her that she just looked like an iceskater! She liked that.

Joseph

Ok, yesterday, I didn't ever have anyone to tell the funny story about what Joseph did, so here it goes.

Yesterday was peculiar, Joseph was choosing the oddest playthings, but the oddest was when he came up.and asked me to hold still for 14 seconds so he could measure my butt. He was determined to get a little didgital thermometer to stay on my butt, it started beeping and he said "Thank you! You did it!" He said " Do you feel better?" I explained that I never felt bad, he only heard bad and said, "Do you want me to kiss it? Now, you feel better." It was much funnier when it happened, and I really don't know how this will translate.

Then today, I recorded it on video he kept calling out to the tow truck guys and was saying, "Hey, Guy. What did you say?" They just ignored him thank heaven, but he was sure that he was actually telling them what to do and helping.

---------

This morning he saw that I waa busy and so he took care of his dishes, but not only that. He came and took care of my dishes, too. I thanked him and he beamed and really,meant it when he said, "you are welcome."

Charles or whatever you prefer today...

Ok, Gavin, I know you get jealous that I,never tell great stories about you. Really, your story is the best though, and most "life changing" and miraculous.

I have so many stories to tell you from playing pop goes the weasel and my mom commenting how regardless of what we went through, you still recognized your mother, no doubt or then how you tried to leave with any cute chick at the beach at Bay Springs calling them mommy. But I have another story pecking at my skull today.

I was very sick, I had just had two miscarriages but figured still being alive was good enough. I would get better and have more children, dad gum it! Well, Dad took me to a Cracker Barrel one evening, and I got so sick, I had to excuse myself. I felt better after I threw up. A few women were in the rest room, talking about what was good or bad to order. As I approached the sink, one asked,me what I had, they would be sure not to get it. I laughed but explained that I was sick, and it was neither the food or contageous.

I told this story to Jackie who was watching the babies for us. I knew that she did not approve of my getting pregnant all of the time, anyway, but when I told her that I threw up she asked if I was pregnant again. I told her no. Personally, I thought it proposterous and impossible to even consider, but eventually the ultrasound said differently. I was due on July 25th.

I do not remember so many things and that is why I do not tell you. I do recall sitting on the back patio in Gallatin with Leah Burns and Cricket Reifschneider we had moved there to be closer to a hospital. We had a Barbecue and were just lounging or rather dodging mosquitos. I remember someone saying that it was the 29th and I freaked out and told Brandall that I was due on the 25th. Well, turns out it wasn't the right month even. Plus, you were born a month early anyway.

Brooksie

Lena

I still love you fiercely!

As much as my love for the children asserts it's pressure on me, Ihave come to a large number of other factors whichcannot be dismissed.It doesn'tmake good reasonible sense like believing my church is the most correct and is true, or that a guy named Jesus Christ really lived again and still lives somewhere, but I believe no matter what comes against me. Me?interesting word choice, because it is that part of me that cannot deny things that seeks now to act sort of unethically. Ethics dictatethat I ought to be more concerned for the wellfare of my children than my own, and I also sincerely feel that they need me.



My buzzer went off on my oatmeal blueberry mini muffins, and while I was reloading the tin, I thought about how the first time I was told by doctors that I shouldn't  have any more children, or it would kil me. That wasn't enough. then, after Joseph, something was terribly wrong with me during my pregnancy with Mary and my doctor had warned me about some complication with future c-sections which I didn't really understand, I passed that info on to my new doctor. Mary was fine but I had a hysterectemy, so ths time I had no choice. I could not have anymore children. this makes them all the more precous to me, I cannot simply go do over, My children are here and I can chose to be with them. But, I cannot stay with Nick. He does not love me nor I him and it is so obvious. It is worse to raise a family this way than to not have one, or at least that is my final ethical decision.

br />
I feel love for the children, and it makes me realize how really powerful and necesary love is.



I want to be with them, but I need to be brave enough to go find something else.


br />
It was so funny. Nick took my phone to Sprint and I told him what it needed but he came back and told me that the phone was useless becauseof water damage. That is just the perfect example of my life with him. I am certain that others might be happy that way and readily believe everything he says as true, but he disregards what I kow to be true because he thinks the technician at Sprint knows better. they don't. Thank Arther C. Clarke for this word but, I am critical enough of myself to see the ammount of obvious "huberis" in that assertion. But what it boils down to is that I need to be married to someone who has my back and believes me and doesn't always hide his PIN number from me. And when I have problems with things Nick says that it is MY fault. I need help not to be berated. Constant accusations sho me that he just doesn't know me well enough to trust me. If he knew me he would know that I would not ever even consider the things he blames on me and that I am smart enough to be believed when I actually speak up and tell how something is.


I am silent so often because I can afford to be after I vent it all on my blogs.
Ok, I have to go get Joseph now and put him in bed, he has woken Mary up, selfishly. He really needs a better example. I can sense that he wants to be so different than he is, but he thinks it is the right way, to follow his daddy's example. I think of a song:

journal entry for later, years later

I learned the most important lessons today, cumulitively. I learned that if a thing is good it helps us achieve our fundamental need to be happy. It is very simple, our huge pontifications and creation of new words is the attempt to explain good and evil, but we all Know/feel what is right and wrong.

I need to record this for my children. A huge gate was opened today, it meant more to me, than going to the temple, to be forgiven. I know such accusations [negative things I said] will be remembered no more. My biggest trial is strange because I can not solve it with another story or recorded history complete with real consequences.

I know that I am needed here. I know that I love my family and right now they need me, but my trial is sticking with these things that I know are true, even if no one would ever care and there is no law keeping me here.

I have to ignore another thing that I want by calling it selfish ,but I still feel that it is a righteous desire, but it might make a great story of faith for others to follow, but. Well, it is like serving a mission. I FELT very strongly[probably a selfish desire] that I should go and it is a great thing. I learned very valuable truths because of this desire, but when I prayed about going, thinking that I could not go unless I KNEW that was where I was supposed to be, opposed to just wanting to go, but my answer came very clearly, through a feeling that was not a selfgenerated one. It seemed foreign, only in the sense that it was't my own idea. It was heeded. The notion I had suggested that I should not go because I had a different mision. Though, I learned so much and really felt like the Holy Ghost was teaching me so many things that would be so valuable. I could seriously make a huge impact for good. I even wrote out a letter in my head, requesting an assignment that would allow me to do my part in nourishing the Lord's "olive trees" [refering to Zenos' parable].

I hope my lesson is appreciated by my children. They see my firsthand sacrifices for their well-being. My only additional thought is that if my want was truly what it should be, I would be similarly needed, and escape would be impossible, so it's probably just another selfish want, although I can say it is for the best reasons and raltionalize tons of other reasons to just escape, but I won't because I love you

To quote Barbie, "Duty means doing the thing your heart may well regret.".

I really ought to write more stories. My music is more like candy while a book would be like steak!

Babies

I made hournals and meticuolously recorded everything for the first three, so I have empty journals for the last two and thought that I'd beeter jot something down before I forget. 1) Joseph Alexander Holden. His name comes from Nick's mother (who passed away before I ever came into the picture) his middlename (Nick's) is Jay. And he told me that many times his mother said that she wanted to name him Joseph. So, it is a tip'o'the hat to her. Then, Joe's middle name was suggested by Paige Lewis, and I really liked it. She had suggested several names, but I reallly liked Alexander. We lived in the Araprtments by the mall in Layton. I can't remember the name but it was 452W secon floor. i recall the stair, and our shower didn't work. but, We moved shortly after I got home from the hospital with Joseph. I remember shopping when I was pregnant, and we picked this condo because it wouldn't require any fixing up (that was a concern at the time). we live in this condo now and I really don't like it, my bathroom is broken, I can't take a shower, and the refridgerator still needs a new water filter. But, at least it works again. And I have a new dish washer and toaster oven and new heating element of the oven. Joseph is sweeping right now, and Mary is laughing in her highchair eatting the newly baked banana muffins. He was born via c-section at McKay Dee hospital in Ogden. I went to the Intermountain clinic for all of my prenatal care. it was all via medicare The Doctor was Audrey Jericho. He was born on October 13th, 2009, weighing 7lbs 2oz. He was 20 inches tall and was born at 8:31 AM. I recall we had to arrive at 6:30 or earlier in the morning, so I just opted not to sleep. 2) Mary Anne Holden was born shortly after lunch. Nick's father and step mother were there. Joseph was there on and off. I had a hard time lifting him after my surgery, and walking was difficult, too, but I was in need to watch him in the boring hall way so Nick could visit Mary at the NICU. I was very ill an on bed rest, well, I was supposed to be. She was born January 7th, 2011 weighing less than Joseph. I went to a recovery room and got 2 liters of blood and my body temperature had dropped waay low. It was a big storm. I remember that my platelette count was too low for them to perform surgery but I needed the c-section and because my placenta wouldn't detatch from my uterus, I had an emergency hysterectemy. I have recovered fine, so has she. Though I had to leave the hospital without her. She had breathing troubles and wouldn't eat so she stayed in in the NICU and only was allowed to leave under several provisions, one of which was how we monitored her breathe and then she required oxygen administration, which was a pain, but it is in the past now. She still does not walk though. she can, but choses not to. At her last appointment she was severely underweight for her age. She is practically as tall as Joseph though. She is still by weight limits required to be in a rear facing car seat. My doctor was Scott Swift and she was born at Ogden Regional medical center. we changed physicians because of insurance changes. She saw Dr. Alvey at some children's clinic for a while. But, now both she and Joseph are on medicaid and going to the intermountain children's clinic.

Brooksie's comment

I needed to jot this down somewhere where it would be remember longer than it would be in my mind. I'm making stuff for them, i love them so completely!!!

Anyhoo! what she said was that she hoped that I would make some honey mustard sauce. Easy enough. then Lena requested fry bread, Can do both wthout difficulty. But B just kept on and on about how I made the best honey mustard in the whole world!! lol! She said, " I am not just saying that, mom. It really is the best! It is far better than anything I have ever tasted. Please, don't forget to make me some."

Now, isn't that sweet? So, I'll be making Chicken nuggets with Honey Mustard sauce. for when they get here. I knoe Lena really prefers Pancakes, so I'll try to make some of those, too. But, Cereal is so much easier.

What Lena said to me

I need to restart the book again maybe a new book, like in "Amadeus" when asked to edit something he asked, "Which part would you suggest I change?" They take out the music for the ballet, and the dancers/actors look rediculous without it. We do not understand what others might understand. Alot of people do not understand movement, but they understand music. I love it when he seriously asked, "How can you change something when it is perfect the way it is?" Last week someone mention, regarding another thing how the word perfect has various definitions, but applicable here and truly interesting is "complete".

Anyhow here is a clip of what she said, it was priceless!



I could do the whole book, like this, as a movie!

Still unwritten, but idea is in progress

Just the part of doing needs to be done, and I don't want to get trapped by people who will come to expect that of me. I just want to be a mastermind, not a hired thug.

So, I will write a long novelette for my kids all about a girl exploring the idea of how books are metaphors or explinations of how things could happen around them. The more true a story is the more it can be trusted and loved. The young girl notes how a book is a sort of shared adventure, that so many others have been on and if a book manages to become a classic then it is all the more acceptable to read.

She notes how movies follow the same rules as books. They are just good stories that rely on the director's imagination, whereas books use each reader's. in her own little girlish mind she pieces together how art is subjective and books are art, too. so is history. She shares her favorite paintings with her friends, painted by a blind man. She explained how Beethoven couldn't hear but wonders what would a writter of book be without...

The climax of the story comes as the girl figures out that it is by reading that we feel a part of the world.