As much as my love for the children asserts it's pressure on me, Ihave come to a large number of other factors whichcannot be dismissed.It doesn'tmake good reasonible sense like believing my church is the most correct and is true, or that a guy named Jesus Christ really lived again and still lives somewhere, but I believe no matter what comes against me. Me?interesting word choice, because it is that part of me that cannot deny things that seeks now to act sort of unethically. Ethics dictatethat I ought to be more concerned for the wellfare of my children than my own, and I also sincerely feel that they need me.
My buzzer went off on my oatmeal blueberry mini muffins, and while I was reloading the tin, I thought about how the first time I was told by doctors that I shouldn't have any more children, or it would kil me. That wasn't enough. then, after Joseph, something was terribly wrong with me during my pregnancy with Mary and my doctor had warned me about some complication with future c-sections which I didn't really understand, I passed that info on to my new doctor. Mary was fine but I had a hysterectemy, so ths time I had no choice. I could not have anymore children. this makes them all the more precous to me, I cannot simply go do over, My children are here and I can chose to be with them. But, I cannot stay with Nick. He does not love me nor I him and it is so obvious. It is worse to raise a family this way than to not have one, or at least that is my final ethical decision.
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I feel love for the children, and it makes me realize how really powerful and necesary love is.
I want to be with them, but I need to be brave enough to go find something else.
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It was so funny. Nick took my phone to Sprint and I told him what it needed but he came back and told me that the phone was useless becauseof water damage. That is just the perfect example of my life with him. I am certain that others might be happy that way and readily believe everything he says as true, but he disregards what I kow to be true because he thinks the technician at Sprint knows better. they don't. Thank Arther C. Clarke for this word but, I am critical enough of myself to see the ammount of obvious "huberis" in that assertion. But what it boils down to is that I need to be married to someone who has my back and believes me and doesn't always hide his PIN number from me. And when I have problems with things Nick says that it is MY fault. I need help not to be berated. Constant accusations sho me that he just doesn't know me well enough to trust me. If he knew me he would know that I would not ever even consider the things he blames on me and that I am smart enough to be believed when I actually speak up and tell how something is.
I am silent so often because I can afford to be after I vent it all on my blogs.
Ok, I have to go get Joseph now and put him in bed, he has woken Mary up, selfishly. He really needs a better example. I can sense that he wants to be so different than he is, but he thinks it is the right way, to follow his daddy's example. I think of a song:
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