Kids are hard

I think of my sister in law who said after her first pregnancy that she was going to take some time to get her body back. It is a nice idea.

I struggled to raise,my first "batch"of kids, only to have them taken from,me, and I started again. This is the point of it all: we forget entirely what pain we endured and long to do it again.

My sister-in-law instantly had another child. I figured she would. In institute today we discussed faith of Sarah, how she had a child when she was 90. And so many sisters giggled it off saying 90 years old was different back then, but in the throes of childrearing I worried more for the next few years than the strain of giving birth.

I felt too old for child birth as now I see the sense of the court not granting me the children. It is hard work, that I just do not have the strength for, on my own. But, it will pass.

Mary Anne Holden

She is a water baby, for sure.

Time in and time out she overly impresses,me with her kindness and loving ways towards others. Often not founded and the exact opposite of behavior for a child.

Something Gavin did, again

I really ought to start a new blog specifically to put the things trying to care for Gavin taught me. It would be fascinating (entertaining), and enlightening.

Today, he put me over the edge with his shenanigans. But, I had some quiet time where I realized that I had my own answer made clear through him.

Here's what happened. He hurt Joe an was screaming at Lena for not letting him play with some pokemon cards she had out. Joe, upon recovering told me that Gavin was bad and that,he was going to kill him. When Gavin gets upset, he totally errupts.

Anyway, I have learned that it is best to be loving, if I gang up on him, too, which I do to try to get him to think about things by directing his attention, but then he just feels totally picked on and alone and he lashes out. So, I asked him to come sit by me and we would sort things out, but, he did nit come to me. I felt like the Savior who tells us that even after rejecting his arms are outstretched still. Well, I called to him again, but he refused.

Then Brookaie told me that even though he was acting like a jerk, he was actually moving, ever so slightly towards me, and my mind thought well, tough I am out of patience, I told him plainly what I wanted and he made his choice, though trying not to by appearing to reject while technically coming. I thought how the savior would,be so happy with the progress that it was. I was not about an hour later as he flirted with sitting next to me, he said, "well, I want to sit by you, but you will make me say sorry, and it is too hard." And that is exactly why I loved Nick. I was soooo impressed with the value that,he assigned to the word sorry that he would not just say it to make,life better.

I have grown weary about Nick, too. I was so caught up in how valiant he was to even feel unworthy that I didn't see what was really going on. I have no more patience. But, at a regional conference in WA, Thomas S. Monson told a story about a woman in a yellow dress who told a story about a man who seemed old and unloveable, but she prayed and asked to feel a portion of the love the Savior had for this man, and she said it was so overwhelming that she required rest afterwards. And from that I gather that God loves each of us, but my answer is that everyone has a certain place to belong. And we do not belong together. My fear is that there is no one I belong with, but saying that demonstrates a lack of confidence in God to oversee things. "Fear departs when faith endures!"

Mommy got it, finally

It was many thoughts coming together as one. My daughter, Mary Anne said," Trying. I can't do it." Without thinkinging I said yeah, if you are really trying and it doesn't work, probably you answer is that you shouldn't do it. Ah hah! I marvel at the wise things I tell others while I struggle to figure things out for myself. But, that came out if my mouth directly to me. Though, it was for Mary.

Also,  Brooksie said that she actually wanted me to go to Tennesse even though Dad didn't. But, Gavin told me to stay in Utah. Nick told his home teachers that we were moving. He did say that he was moving, but when his parents were here he said nothing of it, though they asked questions that could be considered,leading questions.

The biggest factor will be a prayer again though because our RS lesson it was very plainly told us that we are here for a specific reason, and I had a tiny miracle, though the coolest stories were told about how people with specific abilities were in place for a reason, and one guy lamented one thing the most in his life, that those who could have taught him the gospel years ago didn't. He was ready. Woah. So, the spirit will really tell us what we.ought to do and we must obey to serve others.

I loved this comment and.tried to make Lena memorize it, to place in her mind to answer if she ever wondered what to do. "Not shrinking is far more important that surviving."

Early morning musing

Mostly, I wanted to share my gratitude for the fulfillment of my greatest desires, when things were out of my control. This time, things are in my control and you, my precious children, are my top priority.
They say the greatest thing a man can do is lay down his life for a friend. Well, I feel that way about you. My life purpose was to help you live. I did that. Now, my purpose, and the reason why I was even allowed to continue living, was to help you, and I will not be selfish. Just because I feel like there is something more. For me, beyond you there is nothing.
I live for love and I love you. I give up my selfishness for you, that you might have everything you need.
What the heck am I talking about? Well, I was thinking about how terrible and bleak,my life seemed, but Gavin was born and survived and I was able to have more children and have you all together. This was the strongest desire of my heart!
It is in my power to keep you all together and love you as needed, My choice is clear. Any other choice would be selfish, but I give up my life to helping you. If God wants more he will require it of me, but my promise and accountability will be in what I have done to deserve you. My life is far from over, maybe the form of life is ending, but I will forever be your mother. As such, you may rely on me to do what is best for you rather than what is best for me.
Do the same thing. Usually, if you place your children first, it will automatically,be placing yourself first. That is why the most important thing of all is first marrying the right person. This will be the first step in creating your own eternal family. This will be the most significant choice of your life! There are not enough or the right kind of markings to accentuate that enough. Love your spouse entirely, more than you even can, and never fear, it will all work out if you love entirely.

Chasing Rainbows

got an idea, I want to make a going away party/present for the kids where there is a map with a rainbow and you have to follow to the end to find what is there.

The truth is that rainbows do not have an end, so chasing them would be fun but profitless, hold on. Literally, there is no pot of Gold, but I can make a pot of golden looking cookies, or the point could be that you find what you are looking for and thinking about what you find might be worth more than gold. On my map, I will make the rainbow end in TN. So, the kids would have to go there to find it. :)