I apologized so often for thinking I was taking a huge unecessary detour, even Joseph told me that he was very afraid that I was not ever going to end up here, and lately I had been regretting all of my recent life except the children. But, how could I have ever ended up not even part of my oldest daughter's life!!!! That is such a huge struggle to me now with Mary Anne, but for a moment about that. If the things I had to choose between were obvious and simple, It would not require such an age or development. So, choising to leave at such a point in my daughter's life is the hardest thing I must do, but maybe things will happen in a way that is better than any that I could plan out of I just obey, and do. I really truly feel this is what I should do and it feels so right. The biggest help in this all was a corrospondant friend, Lotus Rummler, who suggested I look for patterns in the times that I did what was right and I knew it. Duh! All has not been lost, but I kniw that running away and marrying Nick was wrong, and it would be so much easier to make everything right, but I would much rather go back and do over.
It was thinking about doing over that I realized that although this was not the way, I had reached a point necessary to reach in this life and I am so thankful that I do not need to sacrifice my child with a knife, cause I fear that I would fall short. But, I was able to learn things that I would never have learned elsewhere and do so much temple work that needed to be done. I still feel like so much more needs to be done which seems as futile as wiping a child's mouth clean while they are eating. But, I am still needed and cannot go until I am done.
