journal entry for later, years later

I learned the most important lessons today, cumulitively. I learned that if a thing is good it helps us achieve our fundamental need to be happy. It is very simple, our huge pontifications and creation of new words is the attempt to explain good and evil, but we all Know/feel what is right and wrong.

I need to record this for my children. A huge gate was opened today, it meant more to me, than going to the temple, to be forgiven. I know such accusations [negative things I said] will be remembered no more. My biggest trial is strange because I can not solve it with another story or recorded history complete with real consequences.

I know that I am needed here. I know that I love my family and right now they need me, but my trial is sticking with these things that I know are true, even if no one would ever care and there is no law keeping me here.

I have to ignore another thing that I want by calling it selfish ,but I still feel that it is a righteous desire, but it might make a great story of faith for others to follow, but. Well, it is like serving a mission. I FELT very strongly[probably a selfish desire] that I should go and it is a great thing. I learned very valuable truths because of this desire, but when I prayed about going, thinking that I could not go unless I KNEW that was where I was supposed to be, opposed to just wanting to go, but my answer came very clearly, through a feeling that was not a selfgenerated one. It seemed foreign, only in the sense that it was't my own idea. It was heeded. The notion I had suggested that I should not go because I had a different mision. Though, I learned so much and really felt like the Holy Ghost was teaching me so many things that would be so valuable. I could seriously make a huge impact for good. I even wrote out a letter in my head, requesting an assignment that would allow me to do my part in nourishing the Lord's "olive trees" [refering to Zenos' parable].

I hope my lesson is appreciated by my children. They see my firsthand sacrifices for their well-being. My only additional thought is that if my want was truly what it should be, I would be similarly needed, and escape would be impossible, so it's probably just another selfish want, although I can say it is for the best reasons and raltionalize tons of other reasons to just escape, but I won't because I love you

To quote Barbie, "Duty means doing the thing your heart may well regret.".

I really ought to write more stories. My music is more like candy while a book would be like steak!