I am really really struggling here

I kniw what I must do an with the right perspective everything seems simple, so why isn't it? Well, because it is similar to a teen ager refusing to grow up and acknowledge  they will never be a small child anymore. Usually, they have so many other things to admire that they do not think much of it. 

 I know that I am a big woman and will never be the tiny girl I was but, I am struggling to let go because I do not feel like I ever met my potential at that age, so now I am still trying instead of just tossing up my hands and saying, oh well, failed that one, and now start the next stage. I will likely fail this stage, too if I do not recover.

Seriously, would I lose anything slightly equal to the peace of mind I would gain from just accepting that I am not the most beautiful woman that ever existed. I never actually had the potential to be anyhow, and now I ought to be happy that I don't even have to worry about it anymore. Like my best friend LeAnne said, "You do realize most people don't even like to run." She persuaded me that I ought to feel relieved that I have that burden taken from me, because I couldn't even run if I wanted to. Likewise, it is like recognizing that I cannot change my weight with diet and exercise, so stop trying. I have sufficiently proven that I cannot change my stature no matter how I try, and I did try for decades of my life now.  But, I am extremely healthy. Now. It is time to focus on true beauty that lasts!

Mary's Challenge

1) Becky Pierski - through her I realize that what I value most is not appearance at all because I love her so much, but if I were to get critical of her body, I would realize that she was a mess. Still, I admire her so much and want to be like her.

2) Sister Lynne Murphy is living the dream, to me she is teaching music and the gospel truths to children. I can imagine nothing greater! But, she hobles everywhere and loves her family dearly and talks about how much she loves them, but her husband has passed away. She finds greater purpose than i. The things we value typically.

My last person today is a girl I thought was like the most beautiful when I was 20 she was 17. Well, she was very heavy now, but it seemed as if she was unaware of it or that  it simply did not matter much. My daughter jokingly said, "man, that lady said, "I am so thankful" like 1,000 times." Not, "man that lady must've gained alot of weight and that's why her husband divorced her." Probably her weight never even crossed Mary's mind.

 It really would behoove me to think on it (weight) less as well. Much else matters more.

I just watched a video where a wo.an e plained how she was i  danger of being overweight according to the current BMI chart, but she was actually merely healthy. This video was regarding ideal body weight and it's determination and significance. I ought to post it here:

https://youtu.be/7oZ5vEdlXDk?is=E_9hnnr3xYyWYMrN

Mary's challenge

1) some girl I saw at a camp when I was 12 and wanted to be like her, I have no idea what she looked like and that frankly didn't matter to me at the time.

2)my Mom - she has always amazed me at how perfectly she does everything. I had to conclude early on in life that I would never ever ever measure up so trying to would likely make me co standby dissatisfied.  I do recall a mother's day when all my classmates were arguing about their mom being the prettiest and I thought, hmm, my mom isn't even slightly pretty. I still don't think that she is pretty, but I do think she is one of the most incredible women o. The face of the Earth, and I know 100 percent that my dad thinks that she is extremely pretty. Come to think of it, I have never asked Nick if he thought I was pretty. But, a bishop once had an interview with the two of us and he kept saying, just look at her, she is so beautiful, don't you see it? And he would not even look at me.... so, I guess in the bigger picture, being pretty doesn't make that bogus of a difference if it even makes a difference at all.

3)I am struggling to find someone, I remember seeing Lisa Wrigley in the temple last year and thi n king that she was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. And I do not even remember what it was about her, I only remembered her husband bearing his testimony about her one Sunday and that as they were doing sealings in the temple he looked at her and could not believed how beautiful of a woman she was and he barely believed his fortune of being sealed to her, and I remembered that and had to look at her instantly to see. I remember at lunch somewhere, I was talking about it with a group of woman, and they all remembered it to and Lisa told how much it embarrassed her. So, when I saw her working in the temple last December maybe I remembered that subconsciously, cause she was surely the most beautiful woman I have ever seen with her white hair and white clothes, I mean wow! I don't think that was any worldly standard of beauty either. It stems from her being g such a good and loving person. 

Mary's challenge

Through doing this challenge of finding traits and people I admire, I am happier and .aking better choices and realizing that I have much less pressure to have things, which decreases my need to make money which in a cycle lowers the ammount of time I watch advertisements which are designed to make me believe I need what they are selling.

For basically ever mankind has lived without supplements and vitamins or any tool to manipulate out bodies towards a desired end.

I find that focusing on the end causes me to realize the proper method to reach this end and it is all self-produced, as part of the gift, batteries included!

1) My Heavenly parents

2) Jesus Christ

3) The Holy Spirit

I want to be like them, not some random internet star/influencer.

Mary's challenge

Mary has a great self-concept of herself and so, I have asked her to help me learn the lesson that I have been taught only I have not yet internalized. I want to stop comparing but more than that stop being upset at myself for not being what those around me see as ideal. It is like a swan being a really really ugly stupid duckling. Her challenge was to start small, when attending such a huge monumental task

 So, I am merely going to spend time each day listing at least 3 people or traits that I do admire and want to achieve, and could possibly accomplish. Simple enough. I pretty much realize that I am never going to be content if I weigh less anyway, hopefully, by listing out admirable people/traits I will forget my failures or let them fade into nothing.

Mary's Intuitive genius

This morning, I unexpectedly discovered yet again, how the things Mary thought up were sooooo incredibly genius.

I had asked her to give an opinion on a thing that I was trying to decide, that Although it truly didn't matter to me, I wondered what a brilliant mind, not my own, would come up with for an explanation.

My question was how she would explain a DNA result that was not inherited from either parent...from the results I had seen. I concluded instantly that it was like calling a rose by a different name and I actually had inherited from one of them, though, a matching chromosome had been named differently... but, Mary's explination was interesting: She explained that due to some trauma that I had experienced a gene had been dormant to my parents but had been triggered in me. Instantly, I wondered if I had even taught her about epigenetics yet, still she described it perfectly 👌 and then nonchalantly explained that all that DNA crap isn't her thing. She would give her opinion, but she did not want to be cited as saying anything conclusive. My DNA obsession was interesting, like Astrology, but ultimately it was turning supposition or flimsy ideas into a science or something. 

Ok, then I was trying to figure out where I got this from. And on a Chromosome painter tool. I was able to see exactly, which part of me was inherited from where. And it was pretty much my entire Chromosome 6 and it was almost a replica or exact copy of my father's,  but, Changing it back from Chromosome to words, ours had been labeled differently. I was more curious how such a thing would happen so I looked up Chromosome 6 and found this:

The 6th chromosome is primarily responsible for carrying the genes related to the immune system, particularly the major histocompatibility complex (MHC) region, which plays a crucial role in distinguishing between "self" and "foreign" cells, allowing the body to effectively fight off infections; essentially, it is a key component in the body's immune response mechanism. 

I had been hospitalized with a life-threatening infection of my central nervous system. And medical doctors whom I trusted, believed that I could not survive this and would die, or when I lived, they said but I would never recover or be able to walk again... so, it was explained as a miracle that I walk and live quite well. 

Ultimately,  my conclusion is that Mary was right in every bit of her hypothesis. It does not matter, understanding everything is just not obtainable and I would drive myself crazy trying to do such, so if I need to label some things as miracles so be it, and then continue on in faith until I actually know the thing. And until such time, I have Mary's opinions! 😀

you all are so intelligent

And as I was thinking about it, I remembered a time that Lucifer tries to get Jesus to rely on the power of his father to make things ok for him physically.  It was seen as a temptation and rebuked. But, I think something similar is going on with you all, cause I see it in my struggles. I use all of the time thinking and struggling to figure out how to mold my body they way I want when I could just ask Heavenly father, and that would seem wise,  but though I have no doubt he could do it. This is my body and I am supposed to be learning how to properly care for it. I just worry that it is becoming a stumbling block or obsession when I could be focusing on other things.

It comes back to that principle of intelligence where one is justly given that he deserves and if one deserved more it is because the achieved more. My blessing says that I was busy developing talents that I now possess, so I got to thinking, am I using my talents properly or burying them in the earth cause I don't have time to work on them right now cause I am working on stupid things like trying to be beautiful.

It is important to be beautiful, but what decides if something is beautiful?

So, to my children, I offer this bit of advice, focus on what matters. I know we are children of God, and as such, we need not struggle but, we totally can and should sometimes, but remember moderation!

I love you!

foster children

Yes, it is an odd thing to mention and even now, more thoughts are seeking mention, but I will refrain so that I can maintain my purpose in writing this.

Last night, I heard a comment about why parents fostered their children. Many of the reasons sounded good to me. I have been trying to understand the nature of our true spiritual existence In relation to God, and if we are asked to call him father so that we may better understand our relationship to him or if we are literally sons and daughters, as we have been taught...an honorable mention goes to Oðinn for being named "all father". It makes me think of how God has always loved us and tried to help us understand according to our comprehension, and that is why their are so many religions and yet only one truth.... ok, ok, so what is on my mind is that children need to be raised in a stricter environment,  one where a parent will love, but not as much as an actual giver of life. A foster parent can allow hardships to happen that a loving parent may not. Isn't this a whole lot like living by faith, away from "Heaven".

The cool thing about being raised in this way is that new familial bond can be built, and one learns what is essential all the while not associating hardship with home and love, both of which the child has access to at anytime. Ok, ok. Alarm is nagging me to cut this short. Think about it a bit. I would get so plain but this will have to suffice.

memories

Though my kids are no longer in childhood, as I was reading a memory recorded about an ancestor on family search, it reminded me of a recurring dream I had and still recall, though, it was from even before school years, I think I was 3 years old and had not learned much that one might see obvious symbolism. It was pure undefiled innocent, thoughts if that is what the reader decides that is what it was, but if my kids ever read this, they should know this story because it may have implications or influence as to what I did or became. OK, the dream that happened many times:

It had just rained and I was with my family in a huge, very bright, grassy meadow and instead of flowers, the grass was littered with these huge life saver candies, and we each had a bucket and were gathering them, but the buckets had the exact same diameter size as the large candies, and each bucket could hold about 3 or 4, so no more than that ought to be put in the bucket, so, upon having the same dream, I figured out that one ought to wander around and be chooses about which ones I put in my bucket. At first I just was afraid that they would disappear and so I ran and grabbed the first ones I saw. Additionally, there was a big well-defined rainbow 🌈  at the edge of the visible horizon.

That's it. But, I remember it cause it happened probably every night for about a week.

Most important thing

 The absolute most important thing, is that you recognize your inner compass and then point it in the right direction.

Mary, you seem t be doing very well with this. You recognize that you will live forever and as such must cling to those things that never die and "Charity NEVER faileth..." After our lesson this morning, you gave to another something they had no way to obtain themselves and in turn to your surprise they did the same back. You asked if it is charity if you trade. we decided that it was and I was so glad to explain how families work that way. If you read this, remember how you felt. THAT is so important. that is pure love and if a thing causes that feeling it is worthy.

The whole reason I even thought to write any of this is because I was thinking seriously about the interview I would have regarding my stewardships to each of you. I always think of that around Christmastime. Mostly, it is to ease my mind regarding finding the right gifts. I wonder what is the most important thing to teach you? is it reflected in my example? I want to be proud of the way that I acted in response to you, and as such I feel it most important to explain something of extreme importance:

It is important to figure things out in your mind, but do not rely on your thoughts for the truth. It is a lot like the internet. A great resource, but for every way it helps it also hinders. I have personally seen many very intelligent, mentally, reason themselves out of comprehending the truth.

It is also important to feel things with other senses. But that also can fail, which is why like, our divinely inspired form of government, comprehending truth has a third testimony or witness. It resounds in my head how in a tv show  a guy said that they loved to deal with those who base their morality on Supernatural things, cause they can be manipulated. I figure Satan will surely use that technique in the latter-days to cause otherwise "elect" individuals to fail and cause so much bad with the intent to do good. 

So we need to have an intellectual testimony to back us up and rely on, but will still need another witness, which I have heard referred to as the "testimony of the hand", which brings us full-circle back to Charity. 

The hand Does...There is a wonderful talk about a statue of Christ surviving a calamity, but loosing it's hand. The indigenous people kept the statue explaining that they were his hands. I love that. It is through serving others that we develop a third witness. It is easy to understand in the practice principle of tithing. You can reasonably explain the significance of paying tithing. Check the first verification of the mind, then my parents provide the best example of the supernatural testimony. it sort of blows the mind typically, but they swear that somehow if you give to God you will have everything you need even if it numerically doesnot add up. then, the third way is the testimony you gain by doing a thing. Sometimes thinking might not work, believing could be used to trick you if you only believe blindly, but if you do a thing, you will know that it is true. It is like taking a leap of faith and learning truth by doing.

Ok, enough lecturing for now. I love you all!

love,

Mom

On the radio...

I heard an ad, typical, huh? But, I wanted to record the thought it caused and the following occurrence.

Summed up I thought: it truly amazes me how little my husband knows of me and my children and seems not to care one bit. He likes to consider himself knowing and uneeding to inquire. I'm, just thought all men hate to ask directions. Anyhow, men derive worth by providing, so we all carefully ask for assistance and try not to correct him or tell him how unnecessary his contribution was when truly it is, I sincerely doubt he even is aware of what a single one of us wants or needs at any given time. Grumble, grumble... Followed by more thoughts comparing the way he ought to be relied upon to how we rely on Heavenly FATHER and how a large part of His worth comes from his supplying our needs, which requires omniscience.

Then, my daughter bounded in to ask me to look at her photo, which she took a long time doing. It is a photo of "Mew" arranged in a family.  I looked questionly. Ummm - she interrupted to tell me that she has overlapping because she likes to touch me, and the diamonds show the sex of the creature.  Finally, I got to ask, why are there only three in this family? It seemed wrong, but I listened instead of lectured. She explained that she didn't know how to make a dark, "Mew 2". Besides, dad is never here and even when he is here he is not paying attention to anything.

Well, he thinks himself above that and that in all actuality he does not need to and still knows and understands everything. But, this is wrong. I could probably never inquire about things, but it demonstrates that I care. Asking is as much for the person asked as for learning anything. I do not even care to know about Minecraft skills or Roblox kills but I ask and listen. Even if one wanted to know, they could find out such information. Knowing alone matters very little, asking does.

Also, we are asked to pray, but Nick treats you like an idiot for needing assistance to the point that I would not ask him even if I needed help.

I put such reverie in this journal for the kids because I am very seriously considering that I am only legally married to Nick, and I no longer desire my eternal companion but have not be released from that vow, and maybe I should. But, we are taught not to cancel a sealing until we are to get sealed to someone else.

I am a bit afraid, but I hate the whole pretense. It is merely for the children that I continue and hope. Cause if one has forever, perfection in any definition seems obtainable.

It is like accomplishing any great feat. It is done through little ones. Nick refuses to move into a new home when this one is miserable. Reminds me of the situation with his car. Or anything in our home. Until, it effects him, he does nothing. Apparently, he has a testimony, though, or else he would simply divorce me. We are not in love, I remember thinking maybe I would tell him that I love him on our honeymoon, but I have this terrible propensity for truth and I couldn't do it. But, upon considering it I start to think myself incapable of love, but I do feel a lot of love for my children. I would die for them, seriously. It feels like it right now when I had to get up from resting (after running and cleaning the fridge and oven) and come to the bathroom with Joseph, and ends up he did need more toilet paper so luckily I was there.

Found a gray hair..

Oh my Heck!!!

I was always commenting on the things I did that if my parents knew they would have a cow! Only now I am realizing they did know and loved me enough to trust me to overcome dangerous things.

On the flip-side of that. My two babies are so completely different from eachother that while one is allowed a certain ammount of freedom the other does things that she knows is wrong and figures somehow, from trying to coerce into good choices, if she says sorry whatever she did is acceptable. Ok. I allowed this cause well Christianity, right?

In a class on obedience a peer said that when one is obedient they are like a dog who is allowed to run without a leash. And that metaphor sums up my two at home. One is leashless and allowed to grow, the other pretends and acts ready but the moment a leash is removed, she runs away, but till now is sure to return saying sorry.

More on Mary

I have heard it said that our children are a blessing to us. It is an not uncommon sentiment I had never taken literally, but my daughter Mary has given me a literal example many times over. The verychild I gave birth to and actually devoted my being to ends up goving ME sage advice quite often.

Here is a tiny little example:

Last night I was preoccupied/worried about the looming threat of snow as I fiddled with my hair in the mirror. I said I cannot make up my mind. I was thinking about what exactly I ought to plan to do about my minivan which could NOT stay parked on the street, but thinking this was a personal matter I quickly switched my comment's aim to my hair. I really did worry about letting my bangs grow out and now would be a time that I would cut them, and then lament having done so.
So, Mary said, "well, it seems to me like someone (meaning me)needs to go directly to bed. I really mean it, mom. Leave your hair alone and you will not need to wake up regretting you cut your hair. You would probably just pull it back anyhow to look like you didn't cut your bangs."
Then, I truly slept better and longer than I ever have and woke up glad I did not cut my hair.

Thoughts on Mary

Mary Anne is a very special child. Foremost is a child and like most her age she hatesto brush her hair and teeth, promises to keep her room clean everytime I clean it. This time she really will! She also procrastinates homework and after drilling it she always "forgets" to turn it in. Sometime there will be a consequence she cannot talkher way out of, until then.... She will play her sweet innocent girl card or something. She reacts well to prizes and loves toys and candy (maybe a bit more than is typical). But, what my mind dwells on right now is her strongest talent. She loves entirely!

As I thought about this natural inclination as most who know her at all have commented about her. I thought about her teacher at church in nursery. She is sooo incredibly sweet and kind. One time it was late at night and she had to work, but after work she stopped by to give Mary a gift! It was soooo thoughtful znd kind.

I learned something important. At training for my part-time work in head start we are often reminded the significance of a good start. This is accomplished by giving each child the love and attention as well as a quality education and nourishment they need. I see how it worked with Mary. It eas a natural trait as is true for all mankind. But, it was encouraged and magnified by her environment and teachers. She was and is a sponge just soaking up anything she is taught and so care must be given to present her with true and loving principles so that her person can magnify and be an example to help all others!

I recall a thing once said about the elasticity of the brain and it rang true by the statistics taught recently in a training session. Most of what a person learns they learn before the age of 8. From aboout 8 to 80 very little is taught. Hence they claim not tobe able to teach an old dog new tricks, or that is a child is trained a particular way they will return to it.

I believe The loving nature exhibited by Mary is directly resulted from such a trait being cultivated and encouraged at a young/formative age.

2stories come to mind.

1 was the first time we went to the Bountiful food pantry. She was sitting in the cart as I pushed it. And she said, " Mom, I really like the way you are so nice to all of my friends." Confused I asked who her friends were. She said allthe workers and soon they would be my friends, too. Then, a kind lady came and gave me something and as she left Mary said, " See? It pays to make friend with everyone." Also, another time we were sitting outside waiting in the cold and she saw a lady sitting on the steps doing paperwork. I put Mary down and instantly she ran to the lady, gave her ahug andsaid, "Please, do not be sad there are so many beautiful things around us." Then she came back and reported to methat I did not need to take care of that woman cause she already did. Plus, she wasn't actually sad or lonely she was just sitting by herself for a few moments to do paperwork.

Then, although many story need to be shared I am only going to tell this one. It was time for Mary to start Kindergarten and both she and her brother asked for priesthood blessings. So, we went to their grandfather's house. And it was noticable as the blessings were given that there was something notable about her grandfather's countenance as he prepared to bestow her blessing. I never asked about it, but it made a lasting impression on me. What? What was it about.He always seemed to dote more on Joseph. But, it was undeniable that Heavenly Father was pleased with Mary's desires, and she has always been  extremely blessed in her studies and friend making persuits.

Water shooting flip flop

Today we went to the Kaysville splashpad. At one point I was demonstrating how by covering holes others had an increase of pressure, but when I tried to step back,a suction was created that tugged on my shoe and pulled the plastic foot holder thingy off and the water shot up through the hole. The kids thought it was great!!! "Do it again!" They shouted. But, it had been an accident one not likely to be replicated, but at bedtime Mary asked,  "how did you make the water shoot thtough your shoe?" It made an indellible impression.

Prayer

Most of the time, my answers come waay,before I need them, so a little pondering what I know and "Voila" there it is, but this is my sincere desire:

I know that as we teach children they get very important insights from reading the scriptures, and they might not read their scriptures outside of class, but I want to actually intrduce and study the stories in the scriptures and so I am torn between teaching stories or teaching the scriptures...they are scripture stories, but I want the story imbedded in their heart and mind, but I also want to study the scriptures and get that benefit of coming to recognize their father in Heaven. Please, my wish is to know what to do, all I think is read the scriptures and then translate, but I fear that moght take away from what the spirit is already teaching them. One day, for example, I asked the lids to tell me what they learned in order to leave the classroom. And the things they shared were not at all what I intended to teach, somethings totally surprised me like that children in Israel sometimes got to sleep on the roof. Huh? It was a lesson about Christmas.

I see how many truths in a lesson that one might find useful to have been mindful of, but if I lightly mention it....OH! It is about having faith and trusting that they will be taught wgat they need regardless if they understand the story I want to teach. Ok, ok. Got it.

As a result of "Love Kennedy"

The more I see and feel together the more skeptical my thoughts get. Meaning the division is greater and greater, but, they are united in one thing: my children.

I gave each child a 20 sec. Plus hug last night and while doing so I prayed and hid what I truly felt with a placid intellect. When I retired to my own bed I was so sadden by the reality that neither child was actually mine. If anyone wonders what love is, that "anyone" is not me. I do not love my spouse, though I have tried and prayed almost constantly for years. I am mortally dependant on him, but could change that although he seeks to thwart me. I explained it to Joseph as being trapped, but realizing it is only a pumkin shell.

I truly love Joseph and Mary, and in the film Love, Kennedy peace was found in moments where a greater plan was realized, though admittedly such realizations often caused considerable pain they also brought peace. At one point "Kennedy" says, "If the Family always chooses the right, we will be together." That is why families are sealed and basically why we have temples altogether.

In my master plan to unite my heart and my mind, I must include sealing those children to me. I love them, no, it is not the pitocin talking. I know them and love what I learn.

Nature vs Nurture

It just occurred to me that I have the ultimate opportunity to see how much of inheritance is taught.

My daughter Mary Anne drives me insane with her terrible behavior, but I am able to salvage so much, which I attribute to her wonderful education and combined efforts at home and church. Then, I thought of her sister Brooksie and how I thought she would be back to Utah and nearby because she also exhibits many of the traits I value in Mary. She has my genes but not my care, so I will be so interested in how she explains things of life to me, minus the accent and different word choices.

What is the solution?

I love my children so much that I am in tears. I adore and miss Lena the most beause she was my first and I honestly believed in a life so different from this, but what is my solution? Is it true that she is in a better place? I recall how I felt when I was her age (It is actually hard to remember that I am not her age anymore) My ties to my parents felt like a security net, but not a real active part of my trial (tight rope walk). I saw "Antwone Fisher" and thought at the time undeniably that family is who we choose not who we were born with. But, after reflecting, I wonder if I chose this life at all anyway. It really doesn't not seem at all in line with the way I think or who I am.

That is what is really on my mind... what the heck is wrong with me? When I could not think for myself I had to surrender my will to something else, and that led to achieving what seemed impossible, walking again, marrying again, and having children. I, the person I was at 17, would never have ever married Nicholas, and admittedly that bothers me, but doesn't my eternal happiness hinge on changing something? Well, why not myself. Maybe I should become a person who actually loves Nicholas. I do love Joseph and Mary to the point where I feel I owe it to them to try to fall in love and be sealed so that we can achieve all the blessings of a family. He needs to change, too, but what little bit I could understand at the time I came to Utah was that he had the potential to be a help-meet in everyway, unfortunately, I did not marry that potentially ideal man, I married him and if I truly have faith, I will believe that he truly wants to becone what he claimed to whenever asked. Just maybe, he really does love me, too, or at least could. Forever seems undesirable if he doesn't. But, Heavenly Father helped me out of a situation I would have never left, because it was what I wanted...yeah. see what that had the potential of becoming vs. what it became? No wonder I am scared.

Then there is the whole Jim vs. Byran thing. I loved Jim, but Bryan was clearly the better choice, and more suited to me. Blah, blah, blah.. I chose this ramble to go here, because it is all about the children. They are what I love and want to hold on to, and Joseph and Mary are still not even sealed to me. I probably owe it to them to try to love their dad and be a happy family. My sister even said that she thought Nick really loved me. He annoys me (understatement), but it is in attempts to help actually. I need to learn to accept him as the patriarch of this family and let him take charge. It is just hard especially when I see that he is doing it wrong, but many times I just shut up and let him and although it is not done "right" things get done. Perhaps, I need to change what I think is right.

The whole thing reminds me of a video of kids commenting on adults and one thing they cannot "get" is why everything needs to be done so fast and perfectly. It is a hard lesson I am being taught. That lesson is to let others help. I am used to living by the adage that if you want a thing done right, do it yourself. In piano lessons, I did not like a fingering, so thinking I knew best I explained that music was an aural (auditory) thing and she ought to jyst listen tp the different fingerings and decide which sounded best. She explained that though I was correct I was missing the point. I needed to use the suggested fingering to build a habit that would improve my long-term technique translating into better sounding pieces as difficulty increased.

This is all about the same thing. That I do love my children, and sometimes thecway to express thay seems counter intuitive (like the time I climbed under the bed with Joseph, thereby pinning him in, to get him to come out).

Because I love all of my babies I want to go see th this summer. That is my number one priority. Perhaps, moving closer is best, too.  I had assumed that they would move out here eventually, but by the time I was Lena's age, I was graduated already, so there isn't much hope in them moving or visiting. Plus, I need to hold on whatever it takes, cause my youngest children deserve it and my full attention, figuring out my life will come after theirs is secured.

I used to think this was a detour

I apologized so often for thinking I was taking a huge unecessary detour, even Joseph told me that he was very afraid that I was not ever going to end up here,  and lately I had been regretting all of my recent life except the children. But, how could I have ever ended up not even part of my oldest daughter's life!!!! That is such a huge struggle to me now with Mary Anne, but for a moment about that. If the things I had to choose between were obvious and simple, It would not require such an age or development. So, choising to leave at such a point in my daughter's life is the hardest thing I must do, but maybe things will happen in a way that is better than any that I could plan out of I just obey, and do. I really truly feel this is what I should do and it feels so right. The biggest help in this all was a corrospondant friend, Lotus Rummler, who suggested I look for patterns in the times that I did what was right and I knew it. Duh! All has not been lost, but I kniw that running away and marrying Nick was wrong, and it would be so much easier to make everything right, but I would much rather go back and do over.

It was thinking about doing over that I realized that although this was not the way, I had reached a point necessary to reach in this life and I am so thankful that I do not need to sacrifice my child with a knife, cause I fear that I would fall short. But, I was able to learn things that I would never have learned elsewhere and do so much temple work that needed to be done. I still feel like so much more needs to be done which seems as futile as wiping a child's mouth clean while they are eating. But, I am still needed and cannot go until I am done.