I love my children so much that I am in tears. I adore and miss Lena the most beause she was my first and I honestly believed in a life so different from this, but what is my solution? Is it true that she is in a better place? I recall how I felt when I was her age (It is actually hard to remember that I am not her age anymore) My ties to my parents felt like a security net, but not a real active part of my trial (tight rope walk). I saw "Antwone Fisher" and thought at the time undeniably that family is who we choose not who we were born with. But, after reflecting, I wonder if I chose this life at all anyway. It really doesn't not seem at all in line with the way I think or who I am.
That is what is really on my mind... what the heck is wrong with me? When I could not think for myself I had to surrender my will to something else, and that led to achieving what seemed impossible, walking again, marrying again, and having children. I, the person I was at 17, would never have ever married Nicholas, and admittedly that bothers me, but doesn't my eternal happiness hinge on changing something? Well, why not myself. Maybe I should become a person who actually loves Nicholas. I do love Joseph and Mary to the point where I feel I owe it to them to try to fall in love and be sealed so that we can achieve all the blessings of a family. He needs to change, too, but what little bit I could understand at the time I came to Utah was that he had the potential to be a help-meet in everyway, unfortunately, I did not marry that potentially ideal man, I married him and if I truly have faith, I will believe that he truly wants to becone what he claimed to whenever asked. Just maybe, he really does love me, too, or at least could. Forever seems undesirable if he doesn't. But, Heavenly Father helped me out of a situation I would have never left, because it was what I wanted...yeah. see what that had the potential of becoming vs. what it became? No wonder I am scared.
Then there is the whole Jim vs. Byran thing. I loved Jim, but Bryan was clearly the better choice, and more suited to me. Blah, blah, blah.. I chose this ramble to go here, because it is all about the children. They are what I love and want to hold on to, and Joseph and Mary are still not even sealed to me. I probably owe it to them to try to love their dad and be a happy family. My sister even said that she thought Nick really loved me. He annoys me (understatement), but it is in attempts to help actually. I need to learn to accept him as the patriarch of this family and let him take charge. It is just hard especially when I see that he is doing it wrong, but many times I just shut up and let him and although it is not done "right" things get done. Perhaps, I need to change what I think is right.
The whole thing reminds me of a video of kids commenting on adults and one thing they cannot "get" is why everything needs to be done so fast and perfectly. It is a hard lesson I am being taught. That lesson is to let others help. I am used to living by the adage that if you want a thing done right, do it yourself. In piano lessons, I did not like a fingering, so thinking I knew best I explained that music was an aural (auditory) thing and she ought to jyst listen tp the different fingerings and decide which sounded best. She explained that though I was correct I was missing the point. I needed to use the suggested fingering to build a habit that would improve my long-term technique translating into better sounding pieces as difficulty increased.
This is all about the same thing. That I do love my children, and sometimes thecway to express thay seems counter intuitive (like the time I climbed under the bed with Joseph, thereby pinning him in, to get him to come out).
Because I love all of my babies I want to go see th this summer. That is my number one priority. Perhaps, moving closer is best, too. I had assumed that they would move out here eventually, but by the time I was Lena's age, I was graduated already, so there isn't much hope in them moving or visiting. Plus, I need to hold on whatever it takes, cause my youngest children deserve it and my full attention, figuring out my life will come after theirs is secured.
