Joseph - serious

I think there is something that distinguishes from other boys his age. I suspect something is not right, as I always have. Nick just brushes off his wild behavior as "You know how toddlers are." but, I do not think toddlers are all like him, or no one would ever have children. I endure it like all things and treasure the other times so much more. He has many qualities that make him a pure delight, but then there are partys of him that are sheer devilish. And whatever it is it effects his 2-yr old sister far worse. All along I have thought that this really is just the throes of parenthood, but none of my other children had such behavior and when we interact with other kids it always ends with him beating them up. I can tell by bewildered eyes that this is not typical behavior, and I have seen other children his age and they are not that way, so he has a behavior problem, doesn't that result from parenting? and is corrected by drugs. I, just as much as the most argumentative other would say, that is just how kids are stop expecting them to be adults, but I do not, they are adults in embryo, but right now the way it looks, they will be dangerous adults and no amount of good parenting is going top change that. This causes trouble for what I believe. I believe that I was given these specific children for a reason, and I am able to endure things that other mothers never would. I get hit, spit on, kicked, bit, jumped on etc. some of it is normal. But, I am handicapped, and though most do not notice it because I pretend so well, the point is I cannot do thing that everyone else can and I used to be able to do I even loved, like walk with good balance, and years later, with so much therapy, I still cannot, and the kids know and exploit my inabilities. Several times. others looking on, helped and it was so appreciated, but in my own home it is dismissed as you are not really disabled and they are just toddlers. I honestly do not know if I can bear it. I suppose that is the way life was intended and so I continue, but I want to note for future that I do not think this is how things are supposed to be.

Why fer?

It is difficult to say things plainly and nonchalantly when they are said in a public forum, and that is why I may sound a bit cryptic sometimes, all you need to know is that I love you dearly and always want what is,best for you. In a tv show a woman lied and her son could not believe it. She had done so under oath and then asked her son to do likewise. Her reason was family, her step son was in prison and required a false testimony to be free. Her husband had recently been killed and her son had moved out and she felt like she was loosing her family and was thus motivated. I have felt before as she portrayed, but I perhaps have been seen as not being as loyal to my family as I was to honesty, because it is hard but, when faced with a choice of obedience to a law that potentially harms my family, assuming that Law comes from God I will always pick it, though honorable mention goes to the family.

I am excitedly awaiting my call to the other children. I do trust that God will protect you 100% and all will be just if I know what it is I should do. I am so close to it. I want it and already that would be enough in some situations, but I have not yet reached the point where I act in any situation.

On a lighter note

Joseph is going on and on about Sandy Cross. I was telling him that the Blue line goes to the temple when he told me that,he knew the Green line goes to the airfort. He corrected me and said no, it stops at Jesus church but it goes to Sandy Cross.

Storytelling revisited

I have been thinking a lot more lately how important storytelling is to society. If I had the time to devote I would write a paragraph on each: Bedtime Stories, Scripture stories, campfire stories, parables, anecdotes, jokes, Aural histories, etc. but most fascinating to me was the thing my aunt, who is my mother's (your grandmother) sister, said today.

She talked about how she listens to music though she is deaf. I was just talking about the detriments of holding on to the past, but in this very case I discovered that our memories are very useful and intended. I want you to know the sort of people who proceeded you in this life and probably are awaiting you in the next, like my grandparents are for me, and being as I do not have as many opportunities to share such tales with you in a more "organic" situation. I hope that you will read her own words and think whatever your little mind generates.

I do not listen to music the same way as when I was younger as most of you know. I know all the songs before 1980 and how they sound so when I read the lyrics of an old song, I can hear it in my head just like it used to be. Or if I go to a live band that plays them, I can feel it and remember it and it is just like it used to be. The newer songs, I watch the video on tv with the words captioned and by looking at the singer and how they are singing it, I have pretty good idea what it sounds like. I will sometimes turn on the GAC station and watch them.....one of my favorites right now is "You can crash my party anytime" Well any ways that is how I have music in my life.

Sunday movies

I found many videos from the scriptures at scripturestories.lds.org so I am hoping the kids will gradually learn these stories by seeing them everyday. I suspect that is the way I learned so many truths and stories but do not recall exactly where I learned such things.

Mary Anne's Song

I wrote a lulaby for Mary ans she liked it so much she started signing it to herself. I am sure she reverted to Jake and the neverland pirates and me, though. But, I recorded it.

Another Lesson from naptime

Whenever we go anywhere Mary Anne tells me, like around the house, when it is time for her nap. Today was no different. And it was awesome as She came up begging I just assumed that it would be impatience expressed about lunch which was almost done, but she went to the fridge and got a drink and said " night night, mommy."

The lesson came as I was carrying her up to her bed she just went limp and I almost started crying. It was beautiful to me that she had that much trust in me. My balance is poor and just the other day as I was taking her to bed I hit her head on a wall, on accident, but I felt terrible and cursed my instabilities. But, this afternoon I felt so much better knowing that she was that calm. My lesson came from that little voice that said, "Now that is trust."

Now, why can't I be that at peace?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FASG0h6-5XQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player